Friday, February 10, 2012

Dreams

I have dreams. Big dreams. I've had them for a long time and over the last five years, they have slowly disintegrated one by one. I probably should have given up. There were moments when I felt like I couldn't lie to myself another day and convince myself to hang on because things were going to change, things were going to work out.

Instead of getting better, they kept getting worse. Even when I thought they couldn't get worse, they did. But I kept fighting. I kept trying new tactics. Sometimes, I even gave up, then an hour later, I'd be back at it again.

People told me to give it up for good. To walk away. That it wouldn't be so bad to pack it in and move on. People I loved told me that, but those words tasted so bitter when I tried them on myself. I knew that these weren't simply dreams. They were my soul, my life, my being. To give up would be to chisel off a part of my soul. I realized that I had to keep trying until there was no blood left to wring out of the stone.

Three months ago, I got the final blow. I was out of chances. There were NO OTHER OPTIONS.I cried. I anguished. I asked the universe why this had to happen. I asked for help.  And then I was shown one more thing to try. One more chance. Three months ago, I committed to this new course of action. I decided to give it my all, to give it one last heroic effort.

Three months have gone by. I am laying groundwork. There's no victory yet. No paved road. No beacon of light up ahead to reassure me of my path, but I'm not slowing down. I don't allow doubt. I don't allow hope to fade. I don't allow myself to judge. Doubt, judgement and despair interfere with dreams and destroy opportunities. For the first time in my life, I'm succeeding at keeping those destructive thoughts at bay. Fear of failure, worry about what will happen if I don't succeed, second-guessing each choice--I'm not giving them room. For the first time in my life, it's me & hope, me & determination, me & excitement. We're all alone now, without all the negative words eating away at us. See? A victory already.

I have six more months to make it happen. Six months until the stone is dry. Six months until the window of opportunity is officially closed. I'm giving it every damn ounce of my soul. I'm going to do it this time. This time, I AM GOING TO MAKE IT.

Check back with me in six months. I'm bringing the champagne. We have a date. Rock on, girlfriends.

4 comments:

Angie Fox said...

Putting the champagne on ice and getting ready to pop that cork in six months. We're behind you!

Barbara E. said...

The best of luck and I'll be here to celebrate with you in six months! (Or sooner if need be.)

Sharon said...

you know where I will be. got your back. It is my job to make sure your slip isn't showing when you get there ;)

Stephanie Rowe said...

Thanks, Guy! Sharon, you crack me up. See y'all in six months. Champagne on me!